31/12/22 Jokes

1. A guy gets on an airplane and finds himself sitting next to a talking duck.
A gorgeous young stewardess comes by and asks the guy and the duck if they would like anything to drink.

“I would like a cup of coffee, please,” says the guy.

“And I’d like a can of beer, you ugly pig!” shouts the duck.

The stewardess goes and gets a can of beer for the duck. But she is so shaken by the duck’s rudeness that she forgets the guy’s coffee.

When the stewardess comes back and gives the beer to the duck, the guy notices that she has forgotten his coffee. “Excuse me,” he says politely. “I ordered a cup of coffee, but you seem to have forgotten it.”

“Yea, you piece of st!” yells the duck. “And bring me another beer, you stupid fking mule!”

The stewardess walks away, thinking about how the duck is swearing now. Once again, she remembers the beer but forgets the coffee.

When the stewardess comes back, the guy figures that if rudeness and swearing have gotten the duck what he wants, maybe it will also get him what he wants. “Listen, you dumb fking bch”, he says. “Twice I’ve ordered a coffee, and twice you’ve forgotten my coffee. Now bring me my coffee, you fat cow!”

The stewardess loses her patience. She grabs the guy and the duck out of their seats. Then, with one powerful kick, she kicks open the emergency exit and throws the guy and the duck out of the plane.

As they are falling, the duck says to the guy, “You know, you have a pretty big mouth for a guy who can’t fly.”

2. My wife: “I regret getting you that blender for Christmas”
Me: sipping toast “why?”

3. Three vampires are arguing amongst themselves.
Each is claiming to be the most vicious.

The first one suddenly runs off and comes back in fifteen seconds, blood dripping from his mouth.

‘See that house over there?’ he says, pointing. ‘I’ve killed all of the family members inside and sucked their bodies dry of blood.’

The second dash off in a flash, and returns ten seconds later, hands covered in blood and grinning maniacally.

‘See that nearby village?’ he says, pointing. ‘I’ve killed every single one of the villagers and drained their blood.’

The third vampire runs off in a flash and comes back five seconds later, blood dripping from all over himself.

‘See that tree nearby?’ he says, pointing.

‘Yes, we do.’ replies the other two.

‘Well I didn’t.’ says the third vampire.

4. A guy walks into a library and asks the librarian for a book on committing suicide
She responds “fuck off, you won’t bring it back”

5. A woman has two admirers.
One of them is a doctor, and the other is a deaf guy. Every day, the doctor gives the woman a rose. And every day, the deaf guy gives her an apple. One day, the woman says to the deaf guy: “Hey, that doctor gives me a rose every day, and I get the symbolism of that. But why do you give me an apple a day?”

To which the deaf guy responds: “WHAT?”