7/1/23 Jokes

1. A man has an encounter with God
The man has a vision, where he is able to see and talk to God.

The man asks him, “God, how long is 1000 years to you?” God replies, “My child, 1000 years for me is the same as one minute for you.”

Fascinated by this, the man asks a similar question. “God, how much is $100,000,000 to you?” God replies, “My child, 100 million dollars for me is the same as one penny for you.”

The man thinks about this for a bit, then has an idea. “God, if $100,000,000 is just a penny for you… how bout sparing me some loose change?”

God replies, “Oh sure, just wait a minute.”

2. An Amish couple visited a gynecologist.
The couple wanted to know how to stop having children every time they had sex. The doctor said they had to cover the organ and gave them some condoms, telling them to use them.

A month later, the couple came back and told the gynecologist that his treatment didn’t work and the wife was pregnant again.

The gynecologist asked if they had followed his advice and they said they did. He then asked if they had covered his organ when they had sex.

“Well yeah,” said the husband, “we threw a blanket over the piano.”

Stunned, the gynecologist asked what they had done with the condoms.

The wife replied, “Oh, we just blew them up for our youngest’s birthday party.”

3. I ask my wife the same thing every time I knock down 10 pins in one roll at a bowling alley.
“How’s that strike ya?”

4. A man goes to buy his kid a pet for Christmas.
Once he gets to the store the shopkeeper shows him the usual puppies, kittens, and fish. But the man says, “These are all nice, but I want something special for my son.”

“Well then,” replies the owner, “Do I have the pet for you. Here is a parrot that sings holiday classics.”

“How do I get it to sing?” Asks the man.

The shop owner shows the man that by holding a candle under the parrot’s left leg, it sings “Oh, Christmas tree, oh, Christmas tree….” and when a candle is held under his right, it sings “Deck the halls with bells of holly….”

The man, curious, try to hold the candle under both feet. The parrot starts singing, “chestnuts roasting on an open fire…

5. Freudian Slip
My coworker and I were talking the other day, and he mentioned a conversation where he accidentally said ‘boob’ to his girlfriend when asking her if he could hold her ‘bag’ while she visited the restroom at the nightclub they were at.

I said, “Yeah, that’s called a Freudian slip. It happened to me just last week.”

Excited to hear my story, he instantly gave me the, “Yeah, what happened to you?”

“Well,” I said, “my wife and I were having breakfast and I meant to say, ‘honey, can you pass the milk?’ But instead, I said, ‘You stupid bitch, you ruined my fucking life!’.”