12/1/23 Jokes

1. I was woken up from my drunken sleep by my neighbor mowing at 6am.
“Just fucking go around me!” I shouted.

2. In the final round of the poetry competition, it comes down to the student from Princeton and the hillbilly from West Virginia.
The rules for the final round are simple. Each contestant will have one minute to compose a 4-line poem that ends with the special word, and the best poem wins the big prize. They are both shown the special word, “Timbuktu”, and they begin. After a minute of writing, they step to the podiums to present their entries to the crowd.

The student from Princeton goes first.

“Across the hot Sahara sands,

Rode the dusty caravan,

Camels marching two by two,

Destination Timbuktu.”

The crowd goes nuts. What a poem! They feel there’s no way the next one could top it.

The hillbilly, humble but confident, steps forward and delivers his poem.

“Me and Tim a’huntin’ we went,

Met some whores in a pop-up tent,

They were three and we was few,

So I bucked one and Tim bucked two.”

3. A man gets shipwrecked on a desert island with only a dog and a pig…
…after many weeks without the touch of a woman – the pig begins to look very attractive. One night, the deprived man begins to chance his luck with the pig. Over dinner, he tweaks its tail, plays footsie with its trotters, and cuddles in close. The dog, witnessing all this, becomes very jealous and begins to ferociously bite the man. He decides to forego his urges to another time.

A few nights later, underneath a moonlit sky, the man looks at the pig, and again, it looks beautiful. He waits until the dog is asleep, then slowly, he creeps over to his porcine partner. When he reaches the pig, the dog awakes! With growls and barks, the man knows he has to make a speedy exit – again he foregoes.

A few nights later, another ship maroons on the island with only one survivor. A beautiful, blonde, supermodel makes her way off the ship and onto the beach. The man is delighted to see her! After a brief conversation, she realizes this man’s need for immediate relief.

With a twinkle in her eye, she asks:

‘Is there anything I can do for you?’

‘Yeah!’ Said the man excitedly, ‘you can hold down that dog!’

4. A man goes before Saint Peter…
Saint Peter asks ‘Where were you born?’
The man thinks for a moment and says ‘Austria-Hungary, Lemberg.’
‘Where did you go to school?’
‘Poland, Lwow.’
‘Where were you married?’
‘The Ukrainian S.S.R., Lviv.’
Surprised, Saint Peter asks ‘Where was your first child born?’
‘In the German Reich.’
‘And where did you die?’
‘At home in Lviv, in the Soviet Union.’
Astonished, Saint Peter shouts ‘My, you moved around a lot!’
‘What are you talking about? I never left the city!’

5. A female grocery store regular customer has a secret crush on the bag boy…
As she is having her items checked out, she glances at the bag boy and thinks, “I’ve got to say something. I’ve been feeling so attracted to him for months!”

The cashier totals out her haul, the lady pays, and as the last item is being bagged, she asks the bag boy: “would you kindly help me load all these groceries into my car?”

“Absolutely, ma’am,” he says. She now thinks to herself, “great, this will be my opportunity!”

As they walk to the parking lot, the bag boy is looking around and asks “which car is yours?”, but the lady just leans in and whispers into his ear:

“I have an itchy pussy!” and winks.

The bag boy replies, “sorry ma’am, I don’t know what that is. All those foreign cars look the same to me.”