30/1/23 Jokes

1. Russian prime minister Medvedev comes to Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.
” I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. I woke you up at 4AM but I thought it was only evening. – I called Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. – I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow.”

“Indeed” Putin replies “but that’s only minor stuff. Remember when that Polish plane crashed with their president? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn’t taken off yet!!”

2. My wife says I get mean when I drink whiskey. Now I drink Canadian whiskey.
I am still mean but I am sorry, too.

3. This man went out with the boys and told his wife that he would be home by midnight.
At around 3 AM, drunk as a skunk, he headed for home. Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly he realized she’d probably wake up so he cuckooed another 9 times. He was proud of himself, for having a quick, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict. The next morning, his wife asked him when he got in, and he told her at 12 o’clock. She didn’t seem disturbed at all. Then she told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock. When he asked her why, she said “Well it cuckooed 3 times, then said ‘oh fuck’, cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3, giggled, cuckooed 2 more times, and farted.

4. What has 5 fingers, but isn’t your hand?
My hand.

5. Chuck Norris had a nightmare
The nightmare ran into its moms’ room crying