3/2/23 Jokes

1. It was the 117th birthday of the oldest man in the country, so a reporter went to interview him.
The old man looked really young, like a 60-year-old. The reporter, surprised, asked him:

Whoah, what’s your secret to living so long and looking so young?

It’s really easy sir, I never argue with idiots.

Haha! That can’t be the reason.

Alright, alright, that’s not the reason.

2. An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin. When he’s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’d had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball. The barber replied, just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.

3. A man goes to prison for robbery.
After getting sorted, processed, and settled, it lights out and he gets ready to sleep. After a few minutes he hears someone yell out “Forty-Six!” and the whole cell block erupts in laughter. A few more moments pass and someone else calls out “Sixteen!” and again, the whole cell block starts laughing. This goes on for some time, people calling out numbers and everyone laughing at it. Eventually, he leans to the side and asks his cellmate, “What’s with the numbers?”

“Well, we’ve all been here so long that we’ve told each other all of our jokes. After a while, we just numbered them, and now you yell out the number and everyone knows what it is and laughs.”

“That’s pretty smart,” the man replies, “Can I give it a try?”

“Sure,” says his cellmate, “just yell out any number between 1 and 100.”

The man yells out, “Sixty Eight!”

Nothing.

“Eleven!”

Silence.

“Forty?”

You can hear crickets chirping.

He turns to his cellmate and cries out, “What gives!? Are these jokes not funny?”

Without looking up, his cellmate shrugs and replies, “Eh, some can tell em’ and some can’t.”

4. My girlfriend broke up with me for being too “un-American”.
I saw it coming from a kilometer away.

5. I quit my position as a scuba diving instructor on my first day at my job.
Deep down, I realized it wasn’t for me.