19/1 Wednesday Jokes

1.No More SeaWorld for You

What do you get when you combine human DNA with seal DNA?
You get banned from SeaWorld.

2. I Know You

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.
’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.

The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’

Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay…..How old am I?’

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’

‘I was behind you at McDonald’s’.

3. What pets?

A Newfie had caught two lobsters and was walking home along the coast …
… when a cop drove by and saw him. The cop pulled over and stopped the man.

“Sir, are you aware it’s not lobster season, and it’s illegal to fish lobsters?”

“Me son,” the Newfie said. “I didn’t fish ’em. Deez lobsters are me pets.”

“Sir, no one keeps lobsters as pets. I’ll have to issue a fine unless you can prove your claim.”

“Well, I’s had ’em since they was babes. Trained ’em meself, I did. I can lets ’em go play, and when I calls ’em they comes right back to me.”

The cop, disbelieving the man, allowed him to demonstrate. The Newfie put the lobsters on the sand and said “Go ‘n play, me b’ys”.

The lobsters immediately turned and crawled down into the water. Amazed, the cop blinked in amazement.

“That’s incredible! I’ve never seen anything like it! Now call them back.”

The Newfie turned with a sly smile and said, “Call what back?”

4. Memory and shadow disappear

Two older couples were having breakfast.
Old man 1: We went to the best restaurant last night

Old man 2: What’s its name?

Old man 1: Oh, I have such a terrible memory. What’s that red flower?

Old man 2: Carnation?

Old man 1: No, the one with the thorns.

Old man 2: Rose?

Old man 1: That’s it. (turns to his wife) Hey Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

5. ???

What is the lesbian version of a cock block?
A beaver damn!