30/12/22 Jokes

1. A German saved my drowning dog
A German tourist jumped into freezing water to save my little dog who was drowning.

When he climbed out and gave me my dog he said “here is ze dog keep him warm ¡and dry him off he vill be fine”

I said, “are you a vet?”

He replied “vet?.. I’m fucking soaking”

2. A teacher asks if anyone in the class can use the word “contagious” in a sentence.
Jenny puts her hand up and says “My mum says we should stay home when we’re sick in case we’re contagious.”

“That’s right,” the teacher says, “Anyone else?”

Susie says “My grandma says a smile can be contagious.”

“Very good,” says the teacher, “Anyone else?”

Little Johnny puts his hand up and says “My dad says our neighbor is painting his house with a two-inch brush and it’ll take the cunt ages.”

3. Could Jennifer or Courtney Row?
No, but Lisa Kudrow.

4. I have been described by some women as a bit of a looker.
Voyeur I think is the legal term.

5. In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.