2/1/23 Jokes

1. Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
“In honor of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle,” he said.

“You may pass through the pearly gates,” Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.”

Saint Peter said, “You may pass through the pearly gates.”

The third man searched desperately through his pockets and pulled out a pair of women’s panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”

The man replied, “These are Carol’s.”

2. I met a woman at the bar and asked to take her home
She said I’m on my menstrual cycle, I said that’s okay I’ll follow you on my Honda

3. What did the dwarf say to the prostitute?
Hi ho.

4. Jesus’s favorite gun
My uncle is a member of the NRA. He came over for Christmas dinner wearing a shirt with Jesus on it. I noticed his shirt and complimented it.

He then took his jacket off and showed me the back. On it, Jesus was holding a PK in one hand and an AK-47 in the other. Above it was a text that read “What would Jesus shoot?” That question was a no-brainer. I answered “a nail gun.”

I don’t know why he got mad. Jesus was a carpenter.

5. A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night…
oof.