4/1/23 Jokes

1. My best friend is a professional one-handed swimmer but an absolute showoff!
Just finish the race for fuck sake! nobody cares how many times you can swim in a circle.

2. Why was Santa so hesitant about Rudolph flying his sleigh?
Because Rudy was lit.

3. So there was a mean old teacher preparing her class for a field trip to the beach and…
She was reassuring the elementary class that there was nothing at the beach that could hurt them.

Little Suzy spoke up and said, “but teacher I learned in Sunday school that there was a man called Jonah and he got swallowed whole by a fish.”

The teacher said, “there’s no such thing that’s a made-up story.”

Suzy replied, “well I tell you what then teacher when I get to heaven I’m gonna ask him if it was true or not.”

The teacher retorted “well what if Jonah didn’t make it to heaven?”

Suzy smiled and said, “then you can ask him.”

4. I don’t like ladies with fat legs. I don’t like ladies with thin legs.
I like something in-between.

5. My friends won’t let me babysit their kids because I’m a professional comedian, but why?
I’ve always done a stand-up job.