9/1/23 Jokes

1. I was gonna tell a joke about time travelling
But you guys didn’t like it

2. What do you call a guy with a small dick?
Just-in!

3. Pope died and arrived in heaven
St. Peter asks who he is.

The Pope: “I am the pope.”

St. Peter: “Who? There’s no such name in my book.”

The Pope: “I’m the representative of God on Earth.”

St. Peter: “Does God have a representative? He didn’t tell me…”

The Pope: “But I am the leader of the Catholic Church…”

St. Peter: “The Catholic church… Never heard of it… Wait, I’ll check with the boss.”

St. Peter walks away through Heaven’s Gate to talk with God.

St. Peter: “There’s a dude standing outside who claims he’s your representative on earth.”

God: “I don’t have a representative on earth, not that I know of… Wait, I’ll ask Jesus.” (yells for Jesus)

Jesus: “Yes Dad, what’s up?”

God and St. Peter explain the situation.

Jesus: “Wait, I’ll go outside and chat with that fellow.”

Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes, St. Peter asks Jesus why he’s laughing.

Jesus: “Remember that fishing club I started 2000 years ago? It still exists!”

4. Police found a large number of dead crows on the A251 just outside Ashford yesterday morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Bird Flu…
A Pathologist examined the crows’ remains, and it’s been confirmed the problem was not Bird Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts, however, during analysis, it was noted that varying colours of paint appeared on the bird’s beaks and claws.

By analysing this paint residue, it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorries, while only 2% were killed by cars.

Ornithological Behaviourists wondered if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of lorry kills versus car kills. They quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the look-out crows could shout “Cah”, not a single one could shout “Lorry”.

5. Whenever my wife is upset I let her color in my black and white tattoos.
Sometimes she needs a shoulder to crayon.